empty white pages.

empty white pages.

empty white pages.

last night i had a dream tht i was at disneyworld :D i was like pls pls let's go on the ratatouille ride in epcot XD for some reason there was a jazz concert on the beach it was so beeeautiful even tho i was shy cuz i was standing alone. then my friend found me and told me to come hang with her. it's funny cuz that happens irl too even tho we're not that close. i tend to have a lot of dreams near the ocean and there's always cliffs. it was late afternoon and the sky was pink and blue. at another pt in the dream ppl were having a prom dance and no one told me the address and i was SAD. even in my dreams i'm an outcast smh

soo sleepy sooooo sleepy zz sooooo sleepy. also i ran out of food.

got to giggle n socialize last night.

woke up this morning from a crazy sad dream about my family. exploring a strange building, trying to run away from them. couldn't run away and when they caught up to me, i tried to do mend things, but nothing changed. felt like i was in dark souls. being alone is BETTER

i wonder if this diary will just turn into a dream diary ... bc theyre more colorful than IRL. like 2 diff realities. in this one i just code and eat food and git gud

i had rly intense dreams last night so i woke up rly tired and confused!!! and i'm still rly tired and lethargic T__T sometimes i wna go back to my dreams because they're more fun than irl. i crashed a car in my dream last night tho LOL

luckily i was able to get some work done tht i needed to do yesterday

this morning i found out i'm not going to be able to go on a trip tht i wanted to go on... but i also have good news !! i might be able to go 2 universal studios soon and hopefully super mario world heh heh heh i'm excited cuz i luv theme parks.

i feel kinda aimless today ... i have so much to do but it's hard to bring myself to do it. think i just have to push myself to work :( i hav no motivation or seratonin

yesterday i went to my dad's friend's son's birthday party after not going out n socializing in awhile !!! well it had been over a week since i had rly interacted with another human being irl LOL. i dodnt have much fun but i was at first. a lot of ppl seemed to know eachother so i was anxious and kind of just sat around. i felt better when my siblings showed up tho ^-^ it was super cold so at one point i bundled myself up under my sweater and became a lil ball and walked around like a lil hermit crab. haha tht was the highlight of my day. the L of the day was the speaker voice killing my brain

sometimes even if i know people idk how to interact with others and i have to remember how esp after i self-isolate for long periods of time T_T

i kinda forgot i had a lot of the friends tht i have. sometimes it feels like i have none bc it's almost like i forget abt their existence?? that sounds kinda bad but i can just be avoidant of people and forget to respond to ppl if they text me. or i have specific ppl i only talk to for certain amounts of time and don't have the social bandwith to correspond with more ppl.

also have been avoiding going out when ppl ask or invite me to things. or i just don't check my phone enough to realize when ppl ask me to hang out idk maybe i'm rambling ok BYE